Mark 8:34-37 Then Yeshua called the crowd and his talmidim to him and told them, “If anyone wants to come after me, let him say ‘No’ to himself, take up his execution-stake, and keep following me. 35 For whoever wants to save his own life will destroy it, but whoever destroys his life for my sake and for the sake of the Good News will save it. 36 Indeed, what will it benefit a person if he gains the whole world but forfeits his life? 37 What could a person give in exchange for his life?


1.)    Love: Know Abba loves you deeply, just as you are and not how you should be- In order to love God and others you must know that you are loved unconditionally. When we know we are loved we desire to love.

2.)    Self: Your ego is dead. There is no longer a gap created between you, Abba, people, the earth. You are a part of everything and compassion is brought to full expression because you feel connected and being connected you feel everything is a delicate life that you are a part of. This is the church, the bride. Your self is lessened dramatically, others are at the forefront. In your poverty and brokenness, your “self” dies daily.

3.)    Reality: When that love has fully started to take over your life it becomes the nucleus of your daily walk. Love becomes the goal of everything in your life. Every interaction becomes a chance to love. Every moment is appreciated because it’s the very place Abba has placed you and you react with love no matter the circumstances. The way you live becomes drastically transformed. How you eat, sleep, what you consume, how you consume, how much you consume, what you do with the money given to you, what you drive, what you wear, where you live, ect… Money is no longer ruler of your life, a romantic relationship is no longer a focus, social status has lost it’s luster. You no longer play that game. “Keep on loving each other as I have loved you” is your only law. We are called not just to be nice and polite but we are called to strive to practice altruism.

Time: Now is the end and the beginning, the kingdom of heaven is here. Love is up to you, Abba will be glorified right now by His love expressed through you by the way you live at this very moment. We are where Abba wants us right now in these unique circumstances, you can bring the Kingdom of heaven here or you can bring hell.



For those who can’t feel your love, your presence, we ask for mercy.

Please show them where you dwell, let your face appear in the darkness of pain.

We beg for relief to those who are wounded.

Love always,


Thank you for our oneness. Thank you for our connection to you and through each other. Let us leave our self at the door and let us dwell in the love that is our wholeness and togetherness. Let those of us who alienate and feel alienated find your freedom via your mercy. Show us we belong and are wanted. Let us welcome each other in love.

Love always,

Why don’t we believe?


There is a sense of control that we think we are possessing, it’s obvious in the American culture. A loved one pointed out the first thing we ask people when we are reunited with someone or meet someone for the first time: “What do you do?”. This is an open ended question with the option of answering it in a multitude of ways but this most always asked with the implications that it will be responded to with how you make money or what we call a career.


What is the most important thing in America? Control, I’d say.


The concept of free will is even proclaimed in today’s church with certainty. “You need to fix things, you need to apply yourself, you need to practice self control, you, you, you.” Do we really know where that free will begins and ends? I see that free will taking a self-righteous place above the Spirit.


I always talk a good game but my life looks like a muddy collage of false idols. Believing God will give us money, clothes, cars, careers so we can return Him to the drawer like the antique He is when we have regained what we thought we got back.


Matthew 6:19-34 “Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. 20 Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. 21 Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.

22 “Your eye is a lamp that provides light for your body. When your eye is good, your whole body is filled with light. 23 But when your eye is bad, your whole body is filled with darkness. And if the light you think you have is actually darkness, how deep that darkness is! (sounds like an explanation of the illusions we create!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

24 “No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.

31 “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ 32 These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers…


What are you afraid to give up?

Would you call that an idol?


What if we already don’t have control, what if we didn’t have control this whole time.


We are already firmly planted on Holy Ground, in the very place we stand and Abba has let us naively believe we are moving the pace of life when really Abba’s done the doing. Like the dad that lets his son believe he has defeated him in a game of chess when the son doesn’t even know how to play. We are here in the reality already whether we have accepted it or not. Thinking otherwise is illusion.


Through the mouth of Isaiah, reguarding Christ’s coming Abba says to us Isaiah 55:8-11 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. “For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.


Abba is saying to our spirits “Don’t be so silly as to think that I’m going to sit back and hope you’ll do what I want.”


In the prime in his superabundance and luxury the author of eccelsiastes wrote in the wisdom of The Spirit:

“Everything is meaningless, completely meaningless!”

Both will die. So I said to myself, “Since I will end up the same as the fool, what’s the value of all my wisdom? This is all so meaningless!” 16 For the wise and the foolish both die. The wise will not be remembered any longer than the fool. In the days to come, both will be forgotten.

“Everything is meaningless, completely meaningless!”



Living in this uncertainty is to reject this world, to be content that we don’t have Abba figured out and are comfortable in our skin, just as it is and not how it should be, is to outwardly accept that Yaweh is in control. To be comforted that the controller dwells right by our side as Immanuel, as God with us, through the unexplained loving mystery of the Holy Spirit. This is the truth, the way. This is reality.


In conclusion, grasping the concept of unbelief is belief. There isn’t a “how to believe”. Uncertainty is hope, uncertainty is reality, being okay with uncertainty and really believing Abba is head over heels in love with you in the darkness of your sin is the rejection of control and this rejection is faith.


I have something to tell you: I am physically not alive. My heart has stopped pumping blood, my lungs are not breathing air and my brain has no electrical impulses going on, it’s a moist wad of meat just lying in my skull. I am not alive.

Do you believe what I have just said?

No, why do you not believe me?

Because I am moving and talking, you would see my lungs moving my chest. I show all signs of being physically alive, right? You believe that I am alive.

Belief is the psychological state in which an individual holds something to be true.

a state or habit of mind in which trust or confidence is placed in some person or thing.

Do you believe that Abba loves you? Do you believe He even likes you? Do you believe you know Christ Jesus? Do you believe He’s saved you? Do you believe there is a Holy Spirit moving you and God is dwelling among you? Do you believe in God?

Do you live like you believe in God?

Do you love others like you believe that God loves you? Do you enthusiastically pray to God throughout the day like you believe in Him? Are you happy or are you sad like you believe in God? Are you depressed and full of anxiety because you believe in God? Are you angry and irritable because you believe in God? Is money, a career, your anger, school, a perfect lover, your hatefulness, addictions, food, fear, clothes, your self-righteousness, your façade, your hopelessness, your guilt, your selfishness number #1 because you believe in God?

Are we living like we believe in God?

I don’t live like I believe in God.


Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. Political beliefs depend                             most strongly on the political beliefs most common in the community where we live. Most individuals believe the religion they were taught in childhood.

–Albert Einstein

Are we just dubbing ourselves Christian and going through the motions because it’s the socially acceptable thing to do and we want to fit in? So we don’t disappoint anyone? Are we calling ourselves believers when we don’t really believe? Are we afraid to call ourselves believers around others who don’t believe? Who are we? What are we doing?

I have times where I know Christ, I feel loved to where I want to love everyone but most of the time I don’t live like I believe in God. I can’t honestly say that I usually believe in God because I don’t live it. This is called lying.


We say we believe but instead of the freedom in Christ we are slaves to our jobs, our bills, money, our cars, vacations. Thinking we have all the answers is to assume we believe we have God figured out. This is a lie. No one has it all figured out, God cannot be domesticated like this.


Are you afraid to tell your friends this? Are you afraid to tell your church this? Are you afraid to tell God these things? You can’t fix what you can’t talk about.


Our faith is shaky but we have hope.


God understands we struggle with trusting him. I hope for the courage for us to talk to Him about it.



Most of us have a horrible habit of lying to ourselves so much that we don’t know when we are doing it. This has gone on way too long. Don’t let us operate on defense mechanisms anymore. Show us how we are lying to ourselves and each other so we can be healed. Let us know we can talk to you about anything. No more bandaids Abba, give us the courage to let you heal us. Let everything rise to the surface.  Let us become lovable again and love others. Free us from being a church of people pleasers, actors and actresses. Show us truth. All glory to you Abba. In Christ’s name we pray.


Christ Jesus,

We thank you for the bright darkness of faith. When we suffer in the pains of life, we dwell in the very place you were placed. Let your love claim it’s territory where it isn’t proclaimed.

Love always,

Christ Jesus,

Thank you for you. Let us understand what happened upon calvary. Let us understand what you did for us. We aren’t grateful because we can’t hardly grasp what we are saved from and that we are even saved. Please forgive us and have mercy on our ungrateful minds. Show us what kind of love it takes for you to offer yourself to us and i beg and plead that you let us become grateful. Our lives don’t reflect a church of believers.

Love always,